That Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! It's the Television Disappointments of the Year.
As we reflect on the television offerings of the recent year, a handful of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular shortcomings. Ranging from awkward sequels to confusingly bad documentaries, here are the productions that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
And Just Like That
How to start with this love/hate follow-up? Burdened with dreadful scripts, cringe-inducing character development (justice for Miranda!), and a mere 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the series fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the final series began, it seemed as if it had finally hit its stride. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner declared this would be the last season. It concluded on a bum note; the lingering shot of Miranda’s loo full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Still, fans undeniably found joy picking apart every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – danced around her palatial townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a little sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the least of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon no-star review, it was hard to know where to begin listing the flaws. The hilariously leaden writing? The tedious veneration of wealth and consumption? The almost wilful parade of tropes? Performances so bad they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.
The Charlie Sheen Documentary
Considering the restraining orders, domestic violence allegations and fatherly shortcomings, it’s reasonable to say Charlie Sheen has been a bad boy. Not you’d truly have known it from this three-part documentary which chuckled along at Sheen’s various bouts of reckless excess while failing to tell us anything we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might evoke should be reserved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charming but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was preposterous from the get-go: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. That's what you call giving up the ghost.
MobLand
Shady figures meeting in empty boxing gyms? The Prodigy’s Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.
In truth, that is unfair on the gangland dramas of the late 90s. Many look a bit dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were many other issues. Mainly that it was just profoundly dull; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which felt a bit basic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the extent to which she grinds the gears of certain ostentatiously enraged commentators, it’s almost tempting to applaud the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into quaint homemaking as deliberate provocations. But then you view them and are compelled to concede that in this case, they may have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with ideas of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental sayings and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by immense, largely unearned wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with career, identity, self-worth. But for some reason, this three-part series chose not to say them. Rather, the experience was like consuming a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any favours with this guarded non-event of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her estate. What more could you ask for? As players battled it out, there was plenty of backstabbing and squabbling. But the rules quickly became incomprehensible: it’s still too confusing to detail what exactly was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up smelling of a programme that was straining desperately to emulate something far greater than it.
Too Much
How does one follow a show that defined a generation? The pressure was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress seized the opportunity by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very glossy and, ironically, was not enough. Plus, the sheer amount of famous friends involved felt uncomfortable.
The Sketch Show Return
Not good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart recruitment of gifted emerging comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a one-note joke stretched to a husk but repeated in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a familiar irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely showcased the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there probably is an compelling drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The subject matter needed to be handled sensitively. Rather, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lumbering from strangely breezy, slightly mannered farce to inevitably, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
The Maths Genius Thriller
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the verge of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – intellectuals frankly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This uncritical portrait followed the online personality notorious for explicit escapades as she prepared for her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would possess her? What we craved was way more interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son out of the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero critical analysis of her notoriety whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the filmmaker has a teenage daughter too.
