It's been a disaster, without a doubt.
This most recent English defeat on Australian soil will be remembered as their most dismal in modern memory not only for its swift conclusion, but also because this was intended as an chance to recapture the Ashes from a depleted Australia.
This is how England engineered their own downfall, from squad picks and groundwork, to alcohol and seaside relaxation in Noosa.
Foundations Laid Much Earlier
Looking back grants everyone wisdom, but the deficiencies of this tour commenced well before departure.
It was a missed opportunity not to trial a specialist opening batter when Zak Crawley suffered an injury in the previous English season, instead asking Dan Lawrence to fill a position for which he is ill-suited. Lawrence has vanished from the setup.
If Jordan Cox's broken thumb in New Zealand 12 months ago was regrettable – Cox could have been a crucial backup wicketkeeper in Australia – then the decision to send Mark Wood to the Champions Trophy proved extraordinarily expensive.
England so desperately craved pace on this tour, then managed to harm their fastest bowler in a tournament they were highly unlikely to triumph in.
Deputy coach Paul Collingwood left his post at the beginning of the home summer and has seen no successor appointed, and there was no clarity on the name of England's fast-bowling coach for this tour up until the last minute.
Chris Woakes' shoulder dislocation effectively ruled him out of the Ashes, but there were still two other players in England's squad for the last Test against India that failed to travel to Australia: Jamie Overton and Liam Dawson.
Overton stepped away from red-ball cricket after using up a spot at The Oval which could have been allocated to Matthew Potts, Matthew Fisher or Sam Cook. Dawson - or any other primary slow bowler – would have been practical insurance in Australia for Shoaib Bashir, whose form was an accident waiting to happen.
Even the revealing of the Ashes squad was an underwhelming portent of things to come.
Whereas the British & Irish Lions unveiled their Australian tour squad in front of 2,000 fans at the O2 in London, England quietly released their team on a press release with no notice a couple of hours after the death of iconic official Dickie Bird was announced.
When it came, the 12-month indecision over Ollie Pope's place persisted as he was stood down as vice-captain, adding more ammunition to a Jacob Bethell debate that is ongoing.
Director of cricket Rob Key did not give an interview about the squad until a full 24 hours later, at which point he brought a close to Woakes' international career, robbing the occasion from the man himself.
Fail to Prepare, Prepare to Fail
For all the criticism of England's pre-series plans in Australia, the fixed barrier to more warm-up matches was a white-ball tour of New Zealand that had been in the diary for years.
Despite assertions the series against the Black Caps was strong Ashes preparation, England were defeated in three of four completed matches, effectively played at the end of the New Zealand winter.
England ultimately got the Ashes warm-up they wanted – an game against their own Lions. However, there is evidence of second thoughts through their opening of negotiations with Cricket Australia over an agreement to guarantee better preparation on future Ashes tours.
If there was an proposal of a match against a state team or Australia A, it was insufficiently spaced from the tour of New Zealand for England to fit it in. England contend they asked for time at the Waca, only to be told the ground was out of action. When England made the request is unclear. The Barmy Army managed to schedule a game there.
The Lilac Hill conditions for the warm-up match were tame and lacking pace, far distant from the pace and bounce of Perth Stadium.
The overall mindset was casual. England team analyst Rupert Lewis donned whites to run the drinks and music was audible from the dressing rooms throughout the three days. Harry Brook's shots showed his contempt for the exercise.
As the Lions players not involved were sent on laps of the park as part of a tough fitness programme, Bashir's bowling was taken apart by his own team-mates and Wood had to go for a scan on his hamstring just a handful of overs into his comeback.
A touch of farce came when the scorecard malfunctioned, showing Wood to be batting despite being in hospital at the time.
Perhaps the most unforgettable moment of the Lilac Hill week came before a ball was bowled, when captain Ben Stokes described critics of England's plans as "has-beens". It was a verbal misstep, but one that could have been retracted immediately.
Two Losses in Less Than a Week
England handled adequately the build-up to the first Test. Josh Tongue and Jamie Smith swatted away questions about golf, stumpings and moral victories.
Dominant at lunch on day two in Perth, England succumbed before stumps on the same day.
Stokes said he was shell-shocked in some prickly post-match media interactions, comments that were exploited by the captain as England lost the PR battle in the days after the Test.
England were followed by photographers to golf courses and even an aquarium, while accommodating the squad in a hotel attached to a casino was probably a miscalculation. Some of the group acquired a taste for an Australian brand of takeaway frozen yoghurt.
The decision not to send more players to the Lions' day-night game against a Prime Minister's XI in Canberra was attributed to the difference in conditions between the capital and Brisbane.
However, a week's worth of radio silence did not help the tourists. Former Australia pace bowler Mitchell Johnson accused them of being "arrogant".
England instead chose five days of training in Brisbane, a workload that head coach Brendon McCullum would later claim left his team "overprepared" for the second Test.
When Stokes finally ended the media blackout, he clarified the "has-beens" comment and responded to Johnson by saying England could be called "poor", rather than arrogant.
As the build-up to the Test continued, Stokes and Pope had to respond to pictures of the captain, Wood and Smith riding escooters without helmets – an infraction punishable by a fine under Queensland law.
On the field, Root's eagerly awaited first hundred in Australia was rendered useless by some poor shots by his team-mates and England put down five catches.
Following yet another defeat at the Gabba, Stokes said his dressing room is "not an environment for the faint-hearted" – words that could come back later in the tour.
By the Seaside
England said their four nights in the beach resort of Noosa had been arranged for more than a year, which possibly leaves it as one of the best-planned parts of the tour.
Some approached it in the spirit it was intended. Root, for example, had accommodation with his family away from the main drag and was not once seen near a bar. It was curious that more family members were not present for what was described as a break from the Ashes.
For others, it was a boozy getaway. Some members of the team continued with two days of drinking in Brisbane with four more in Noosa – six in total, as many days as there had been of Test cricket at this point in the tour.
The England party was far from discreet, drinking by the side of the road, with plenty wearing traditional Akubra hats that became the standard attire of the holiday.
There was a three-line whip issued to attend a kick-about on the beach, where England were sledged by local radio DJs and socialized with other holidaymakers.
Stokes was seen out running, while on another occasion strength and conditioning coach Pete Sim invited the entire group for a run along the coast at 07:45am. Smith, Bashir and Tongue were the only players to turn out.
At the end of the trip, a member of the England security staff was involved in a physical confrontation with a cameraman from TV network Seven following a exchange in Brisbane airport.
Despite the gags and attention from Australian media about their time on the beach, England probably produced their best performance of a bad bunch in the Test after their jollies in Noosa.
Finished in Adelaide
By the third Test, England's public statements had become mixed. Stokes talked of "enjoying the pressure", despite actively looking to reduce expectations from his team over the previous three years.
Brook said England had not spoken about cricket in Noosa, whereas Stokes admitted there had been "raw" conversations. Crawley would later claim not to know about the "weak men" comments.
Perhaps aware fielding had let them down, England engaged in some uncommon fielding drills.
At an Adelaide ground renowned for helping spinners, England left out Bashir, a decision explained by the need for Will Jacks' batting at number eight. Assistant coach Jeetan Patel insisted Bashir had not become "unselectable".
After putting so much focus on high pace, England were left with part-time spinner Jacks bowling more overs than anyone else in the match.
Outwardly, England remained unflustered. McCullum's walk to the Adelaide Oval twice passed through BBC Radio 5 live shows being broadcast from outside the team hotel. Patel left a news conference with the words: "{Enjoy your evening|
